A Year Ago Today

1507904_10202460110057344_1502307509_nA year ago today, we waited, quietly, for news. A year ago today, we went out for dinner and tried to pretend that everything was normal. A year ago today we sat, one of only two families left in the Children’s Hospital waiting room. A year ago today, LadyBug had kidney surgery, and we were really, really scared.

I haven’t talked much about it on here, partly due to the fact that we were also in the middle of buying and selling houses and my stress and anxiety levels were off the charts. I had thrown myself into work and making everything feel normal. We were scrambling to get her Valentine’s Day cards done early enough to send them in to friends that she would be leaving behind just a month later. I was busy trying not to wait because I do not wait well. I didn’t talk about it because, at the time, it wasn’t my story to tell.

This week, I am also under a certain amount of stress. Record amounts of snow have meant that the kids have been home just as long as they have been in school. We’re all on each other’s nerves. Our schedules are off. But underlying it all, I’m remembering. This week last year was the hardest I can ever recall. It was an isolating experience for me because, despite some truly amazing and supportive friends, no one really got where I was at. Moreover, my energies were focused on my kids, who were also stressed and anxious about our upcoming move and making new friends. There was no space for me to crumble under the weight of my own worry.

Finally, just yesterday, I remembered the date. That was freeing because I realized where much of the underlying anxiety was coming from. Suddenly, I was able to relax and enjoy working on cards with my kids. I took the time to stop and be thankful for being here, all together, in a new house and neighborhood that we love. We’re lucky this year. And I’m grateful.

At 9:30pm tonight, long after I though the kids were asleep, LadyBug came creeping into my office where I was watching TV. She climbed onto my chair and leaned on my shoulder. She was worried about something and wanted to talk to me about it. Her worries are so small compared to where we were last year at this time. It made me smile to see her concerned about little-girl problems.

It has been a good year.

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